Friday, August 31, 2012

A Giggle: Power Outage During A Mammogram

Several years ago I received this email, thought it was funny, and put it in the file.  However, it wasn't until this week, after I experienced my first mammogram, that I could truly appreciate the humor.  It was just as much fun as I've always been told it would be, and then some.

After spending an afternoon being stripped of my clothing, deodorant and dignity and being groped by a kind but much to chatty for the circumstances employee it was determined the I (a 35 year old female) have fluctuating hormones.  Imagine L's excitement when I came home and told him I have been officially diagnosed as...hormonal.

Power Outage During A Mammogram

I actually kept my mammogram appointment.  I was met with, "Hi! I'm Belinda!"  This perky clipboard carrier smiled from ear to ear, tilted her head to one side and crooned, "All I need you to do is step into this room right here, strip to the waist, then slip on this gown.  Everything clear?"
I'm thinking, "Belinda, try decaf. This ain't rocket science."
Belinda skipped away to prepare the chamber of horrors.  With the right side finished, Belinda flipped me (literally) to the left and said, "Hmmmm. Can you stand on your tippy toes and lean in a tad so we can get everything?"
"Fine.", I answered.  I was freezing, bruised, and out of air, so why not use the remaining circulation in my legs and neck and finish me off?  My body was in a holding pattern that defied gravity (with my other boob wedged between those two 4 inch pieces of square glass) when we heard, then felt a zap! Complete darkness and the power went off!

"Oh, maintenance is working. Bet they hit a snag.", Belinda said as she headed for the door.

"Excuse me! You're not leaving me in this vise alone are you?'", I shouted.
Belinda kept going and said, "Oh, you fussy puppy...the door's wide open so you'll have the emergency hall lights. I'll be right back."  Before I could shout "NOOOO!" she disappeared...
And that's exactly how Bubba and Earl, maintenance men extraordinaire, found me, half-naked and part of me dangling from the Jaws of Life, and the other part smashed between glass!  After exchanging polite "Hi, how's it going" type greetings, Bubba (or possibly Earl) asked, to my utter disbelief, if I knew the power was off?!?!
Trying to disguise my hysteria, I replied with as much calmness as possible, "Uh, yes, yes I do thanks."
"You bet, take care.", Bubba (or Earl) replied and waved good-bye as though I'd been standing in the line at the grocery store.
Two hours later, Belinda breezes in wearing a sheepish grin. Making no attempt to suppress her amusement, she said, "Oh I am sooo sorry!  The power came back on and I totally forgot about you, and silly me, I went to lunch! Are we upset?"
"And that, Your Honor, is exactly how her head ended up between the clamps..."

Saturday, August 18, 2012

You Can Call Me Dr. Mom, Medicine Woman

Remember those pesky nosebleeds of NG's that I mentioned?  The one's we tried to stop with surgery?  Well the surgery slowed them down but it didn't stop them.  Neither did the humidifier, nasal spray, Neosporin, or Vaseline that her ENT recommended we use.  At her last appointment he basically told us he was at a loss as to what to do next.  More surgery wasn't an option so he told me to make an appointment for a follow up in 6 weeks and he really hoped the bleeding stopped before we came back.

Last week I decided to take her nose doctoring into my own hands.  When I was growing up my grandparents had a tin of Rawleigh Antiseptic Salve, AKA: Rawleigh's Horse Salve.  They used it to doctor everything and everyone.  If the horse, cow, goat or dog had a sore or wound they were doctored with Rawleigh Antiseptic Salve (it isn't recommended for cats or they would've been on the receiving end of it too).  If a kid or adult had a sore or wound they were doctored with Rawleigh Antiseptic Salve.  In general it was almost as popular for curing what ailed you as a healthy dose of castor oil.

So I decided to shove some up NG's nose and see what happened...

We're now on day 6 of no nosebleeds!!  That's right!  For six whole days NG has walked and talked and watched television and read books and played with the pets and eaten meals and gone to sleep and done all of those other strenuous activities without having to take time out to stem the bleeding.  There are no words to express our excitement!!

And if at any time she or anyone else in the family(human or otherwise) should become afflicted by wounds, skin abrasions, minor cuts, chapped teats and udders, wire scratches, or saddle chafing I'm prepared to doctor them as well.

Sunday, August 5, 2012

No Need For A Bowl: Dump Cake

Last month we decided to have an impromptu potluck at work (I believe I've mentioned our love of food at work before), and I received a request for Dump Cake.  So that morning I gathered all of the ingredients and brought them to work with me.  This is probably one of the easiest recipes ever.  There are a total of four ingredients and it requires basically no preparation.

As you can tell from the picture I almost waited to long to get a picture of the finished product!

Dump the cherry pie filling and crushed pineapple into the baking dish

and gently mix.

Normally I use a flour sifter to spread the cake mix over the top but if you don't have one (or forget to bring it) just sprinkle the cake mix evenly over the fruit filling.

Do NOT remove the butter from the refrigerator until you are ready to place it on the cake mix, then slice length wise using a serrated butter knife.

Completely cover the cake mix with butter.  I like to remove the cake from the oven after about ten minutes and add additional butter to any remaining dry spots.

On another note, with the Girls off at camp, L and I were home alone last week.  We decided to spend a day at the Cherokee Casino in Siloam Springs.  We each took $20 and agreed when that was gone we were done.  Five hours later we had lost $10 each and agreed it was time to go home.  On the way we decided to stop and invest some of our remaining money in something with better odds than the slot cream.  That investment might not be making me rich but it keeps the fondation for my love/ hate relationship firm.

Dump Cake

2 cans cherry pie filling
1 can crushed pineapple
1 box yellow cake mix
2 sticks butter, NOT at room temperature

Dump cherry pie filling and crushed pineapple in 9x13 baking dish and mix well.  Top evenly with dry cake mix.  Thinly slice butter lengthwise and completely cover dry cake mix.  Bake at 350 degrees  for 40-45 minutes or until cake mix and butter has created a golden brown crust and fruit filling bubbles from the sides.