Sunday, May 13, 2012

A Giggle: Some Mother's Day Humor

When I picked GG up from school Friday she informed me she had found some "mother humor" on the internet and had printed it off to share with me.  The first one she printed, What My Mother Taught Me, was actually one I had in the funny file.  The other two, Why God Made Moms and A Mother's Dictionary Of Meanings, I didn't have copies of but felt they should definately be shared. 

What My Mother Taught Me

My mother taught me TO APPRECIATE A JOB WELL DONE: "If you're going to kill each other, do it outside.  I just finished cleaning!"
My mother taught me RELIGION: "You better pray that will come out of the carpet!"
My mother taught me about TIME TRAVEL: "If you don't straighten up, I'm going to knock you into the middle of next week!"
My mother taught me LOGIC: "Because I said so, that's why."
My mother taught me FORESIGHT: "Make sure you wear clean underwear, in case you're in an accident."
My mother taught me IRONY: "Keep laughing and I'll *give* you something to cry about."
My mother taught me about the science of OSMOSIS: "Shut your mouth and eat your supper."
My mother taught me about CONTORTIONISM: "Will you *look* at the dirt on the back of your neck!"
My mother taught me about STAMINA: "You'll sit there 'til all that spinach is finished."
My mother taught me about WEATHER: "It looks as if a tornado swept through your room."
My mother taught me how to solve PHYSICS PROBLEMS: "If I yelled because I saw a meteor coming toward you; would you listen then?"
My mother taught me about HYPOCRISY: "If I've told you once, I've told you a million times: don't exaggerate!!"
My mother taught me THE CIRCLE OF LIFE: "I brought you into this world, and I can take you out."
My mother taught me about BEHAVIOR MODIFICATION: "Stop acting like your father!"
My mother taught me about ENVY: "There are millions of less fortunate children in this world who don't have wonderful parents like you do!"
My mother taught me about ANTICIPATION: "Just wait until we get home."
My mother taught me HUMOUR: "When the lawn mower cuts off your toes, don't come running to me."
My mother taught me about RECEIVING: "You're going to get it when you get home!"
My mother taught me WISDOM: "When you get to be my age, you'll understand."
My mother taught me about JUSTICE: "One day you'll have kids, and I hope they turn out just like you."

Why God Made Moms
(why God made moms answers given by elementary school age children to the following questions)

Why did God make mothers?
1. She's the only one who knows where the scotch tape is.
2. Mostly to clean the house.
3. To help us out there when we were getting born.

How did God make mothers?
1. He used dirt, just like for the rest of us.
2. Magic plus super powers and a lot of stirring.
3. God made my mom just the same like he made me.  He just used bigger parts.

What ingredients are mothers made of?
1. God makes mothers out of clouds and angel hair and everything nice in the world and one dab of mean.
2. They had to get their start from men's bones.  Then they used mostly string, I think.

Why did God give you your mother and not some other mom?
1. We're related.
2. God knew she likes me a lot more than other people's moms like me.

What kind of little girl was your mom?
1. My mom has always been my mom and none of that other stuff.
2. I don't know because I wasn't there, but my guess would be pretty bossy.
3. They say she used to be nice.

What did mom need to know about dad before she married him?
1. His last name.
2. She had to know his background.  Like is he a crook?  Does he get drunk on beer?  Does he make at least $800 a year?  Did he say NO to drugs and YES to chores?

Why did your mom marry your dad?
1. My dad makes the best spaghetti in the world.  And my mom eats a lot.
2. She got too old to do anything else with him.
3. My grandma says that mom didn't have her thinking cap on.

Who's the boss at your house?
1. Mom doesn't want to be boss, but she has to because my dad's such a goof ball.
2. Mom.  You can tell by room inspection.  She sees stuff under the bed.
3. I guess mom is, but only because she has a lot more to do than dad.

What's the difference between moms and dads?
1. Moms work at work and at home, and dads just go to work at work.
2. Moms know how to talk to teachers without scaring them.
3. Dads are taller and stronger, but moms have all the real power 'cause that's who you got to ask if you want to sleep over at your friends.
4. Moms have magic, they make you feel better without medicine.

What does your mom do in her spare time?
1. Mothers don't do spare time.
2. To hear her tell it, she pays the bills all day long.

What would it take to make your mom perfect?
1. On the inside she's already perfect.  Outside, I think some kind of plastic surgery.
2. Diet.  You know, her hair.  I'd diet, maybe blue.

If you could change one thing about your mom, what would it be?
1. She has this weird thing about me keeping my room clean.  I'd get rid of that.
2. I'd make my mom smarter.  Then she would know it was my sister who did it and not me.
3. I would like for her to get rid of those invisible eyes on her back.

Mother's Dictionary Of Meanings

Dumbwaiter: one who asks of the kids would care to order dessert
Feedback: the inevitable result when the baby doesn't appreciate the strained carrots
Full Name: what you call your child when you're mad at him
Grandparents: the people who think your children are wonderful even though they're sure you're not raising them right
Hearsay: what toddlers do when someone mutters a dirty word
Independent: how we want our children to be for as long as they do everything we say
Puddle: a small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes into it
Show Off: a child who is more talented than yours
Sterilize: what you do to your first baby's pacifier by boiling it, and to your last baby's pacifier by blowing on it and wiping it with saliva
Top Bunk: where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas
Two-Minute Warning: when the baby's face turns red and she begins to make those familiar grunting noises
Whodunit: none of the kids that live in your house

Happy Mother's Day!!!

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