Thursday, March 1, 2012

A Giggle: Southernisms; And A Few More S"Other"n Words

Here's another laugh from the folder; and since my post In S"Other"n Words was pretty popular, and fits the subject matter, I've added a few of those as well.


The North has LED screens, the South has bug zappers.

Dueling Bug Zappers

The North has sun-dried toe-mah-toes, the South has 'mater samiches.

The North has coffee houses, the South has Waffles Houses.

The North has switchblade knives, the South has Lee Press on Nails.

The North has double last names, the South has double first names.

The North had Ted Kennedy, the South had Jesse Helms.

The North has an ambulance, the South has an amalance.

The North has Indy car races, the South has stock car races.

The North has Cream of Wheat, the South has grits.

The North has green salads, the South has collard greens.

The North has lobsters, the South has craw dads.

The North has the rust belt, the South has the Bible Belt.

If you're planning to spend any amount of time in the south then you should know....

If you run your car into a ditch, don't panic.  Four men in a 4-wheel drive truck with a log chain will be along shortly.  Don't try to help them, just stay out of their way.  This is what they live for.

Don't be surprised to find movie rentals and bait in the same store.  *Don't buy food at this store.*

Remember, "ya'll" is singular, "all ya'll" is plural, and "all ya'll's" is plural possessive.

Get used to hearing "You ain't from around here, are ya?"

You may hear a Southerner say "Ought!" to a dog or a child.  This is short for "Ya'll ought not do that!" and is the equivalent of saying "No!".

Don't be worried at not understanding what people are saying.  They can't understand you either.

The first Southern expression to creep into a Northerner's vocabulary is the adjective "big'ol"  truck or "big'ol" boy.  Most Northerners begin their Southern- influenced dialect this way.  *All of them are in denial about it.* 

The proper punctuation you learned in school is no longer proper.

Be advised that "He needed kill'n" is a valid defense down here.

If you hear a Southerner exclaim, "Hey, ya'll, watch this," stay out of the way.  These are likely to be the last words he'll ever say.

If there is the prediction of the slightest chance of even the smallest accumulation of snow, your presence is required at the local grocery store.  It doesn't matter whether you need anything or not, you just have to go there.

After all, you never know when this could happen!
When you come upon a person driving 15 mph down the middle of the road, remember that most folks learn to drive on a John Deere, and that is the proper speed and position for that vehicle.
Do not be surprised to find that 10 year olds own their own shotguns, they are proficient marksmen, and their mammas taught them how to aim.

In the South, we have found that the best way to grow a lush green lawn is to pour gravel on it and call it a driveway.

If you do settle in the South and bear children, don't think we will accept them as Southerners... after all, if the cat had kittens in the oven, we wouldn't call 'em biscuits.

And now here are a few s"other"n words...

"frown like a wave on a slop bucket"
(This is one unhappy looking person, and if they're not careful "they're face could freeze like that".)
"chompin' at the bit"
(In an "all fired hurry".)
"He could test the patients of Job"
(Chances are you won't want to spend much time with this person.)
"old as dirt"
(Not to be confused with "dumb as dirt".  This person may be so old that they attended school when you still had to walk up hill both ways, in the snow, barefoot...but chances are they're pretty smart.)
"their chickens have come home to roost"
(Those bad actions have caught up to them.  This is usually followed by "getting their just deserts", Yankees might refer to this as karma.)
"been hit with the ugly stick"
(This usually refers to a woman, and is interchangeable with "so ugly you can't drink her pretty".)
"jumpy as a long tailed cat in a room full of rockers"
(As a rule, long tailed cats are not big fans of rockers, you might see this behavior from someone whose "chickens have come home to roost".)
"on it like a duck on June bug"
(All over it!  This sometimes happens in the presents of "anyone's dog that want's to hunt".)
"more on his plate than he can say grace over"
(He's got more to do than he can handle, now would probably be a good time to "God bless him".  This is not to be confused with "bless his heart", that particular blessing is more appropriate for someone who "couldn't say sense with a mouth full of pennies".)

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